The first step is to at least be open to the idea that you did not WIN the brain chemistry lottery.
It’s genetics. Get over it.
I didn’t win the blue-eyed genetic lottery either. No amount of wishing or praying or reading or meditating will get me blue eyes.
You’ll likely need help.
Have yourself evaluated, possibly starting with a psychologist first. You’ll need help finding the edges of the where, the when, & the how long of the condition and each episode.
You are likely an unreliable witness in your depression.
Case in point: I was not a very good or a very reliable observer of my own condition. When I was up, everything was fine. Sure, maybe I was a bit blue last week, but it doesn’t happen often. But when I was down, I literally couldn’t remember a time when life wasn’t exactly that black and that utterly hopeless–ever. I suspect most people are equally unreliable witnesses.
You’ll likely try all the easy and fun self-destructive stuff first.
I limped along for decades, avoiding getting help, mostly because self-medicating with alcohol was acceptable & “just blowing off steam” but a diagnosis of depression would have cost me my security clearances. I would have tried a lot more drugs, if not for the mandatory urinalysis that comes when with the the clearances.
But I’m a “creative.”
After that, I was reluctant to get help because I didn’t want to dampen the creative juices for the manuscripts and projects I was going to do in my retirement. Of course, there were no manuscripts anyway. That’s the trap.
I was too depressed to write in any sustained manner, to focus on a project for any length of time and see it through without letting the depression convince me the project –and I– were shit, and I’d trash the whole thing.
So here’s what to investigate:
- Some Behavioral Cognitive Therapy to head off the beginnings of “the Black Dog” ( ) before the depression spirals down and leaves another smoking hole in your life,
- some professional fooling around with the brain chemistry, and, for me,
- a little “winter bump.”
I’ve never been happier, more productive, or a better person.
Wish I’d done it 30 years ago. Good Luck.
(BTW, print this and come back to it after you’ve tried everything else…most depressives seem to be resistant to actually getting started.)