Life goes on…

Hey pals!

How are you? It’s been a long time since I wrote something.. Sometimes I remember DM, still.. Most of the time I wonder how would it be to be with her again. I loved her. Her opinions, perspective, approaches to the “situations”…

Whenever I have a problem, I remember her. I wish I was with her, and she could help me. She always helped me.. did the things for me that I would regret doing myself..

___

FYI, I would love to attach a related emotional image to this post but unfortunately I couldn’t find anything :/

So, you will have to make do with this.

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I miss you

Whenever I am not around you,

I miss you.. so much that I see you everywhere.

I know you don’t know.

I know you will not know…

Because I don’t say and will not say.

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I can’t count how many times I saw you in my dreams.

Whenever I see you, I lost all my happiness for the day.

You fill my mind and heart until you fade away to background again.

I hope to see you again. In heavens…

I love myself.

I’ve never once in my life hated myself.

I don’t hate my high specs, my half-asses good looks and my pessimistic and pragmatic outlook.

I don’t hate them at all, but it looks like I’m gonna hate myself for the first time ever.

In my eyes, She was always beautiful, never lied, was sincere, and stood on her own two feet regardless of whether she had any support.

I’m sure I admired Her I saw. I selfishly held high hopes for her, selfishly burdened her with my ideals, thought I understood her,  and selfishly got disappointed by her.

I’d warned myself about this over and over again, but it looks I haven’t been cured of it all.

Everyone lies, and She is no exception.

Here I am, finding myself unable to forgive something so obvious and ordinary.

And I…

hate myself for it.

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

DM x WP

I wish could write the whole story here and now but I won’t be able to. So, I will write some and maybe edit every now and then.

The story goes back to around 4 years ago. The one with id D.M or as you see davetsiz. Actually, I don’t even know what to write about this. Things have gone without my will. I couldn’t do anything to stop myself or any other person. Then I became acquaintances with davetsiz. It was the best thing that had ever been happened to me. I met someone who is funny, thoughtful and complete (in some ways.. I gues I exxaggerated a bit. ) When I thought I can trust that person, I had that person to have an account on my website. The first post from davetsiz came with this ( Nasıl Yapsam Bilemedim Şimdi.. ).

Anyway, I guess this was no go. We couldn’t continue this with our lives. We have different worlds, I guess. As you can see, No more posts from davetsiz around here, maybe you wondered what happened, but you couldn’t ask. Maybe you asked me what is wrong with me. Maybe you don’t even care. These all go to the same end, things have changed. Life brings new things to people all the time.

Now, I don’t have anyone around me that will say, “Life can always bring something good as long as you are alive!” with  a smiling face. Or send me some cakes with a note: “Open up with your smile!”. Or get angry with me, just to see my trembling body and red face. Then laugh at me as hard as one can.

To shut up with, I will say, I will write more later (I hope). I wish I could find someone like that person someday, share some things…

Debuggin’ like a boss!

It’s such a pain that I need to debug a code. Not just an ordinary code, though… The thing is that the code fails when the commands are being executed just after another. But when I put a printf command, or use gdb system to debug, It has already been given enough time to run smoothly.. So, it’s like a Schrodinger’s cat situation. Actually, not Schrodinger, the wave-particle duality question..

Whatever, I don’t feel right right now.

Ciao.

İnsan Karşısındakinden Neler Bekler?

Genç arkadaşlardan gelen maillere bakınca böyle bir konuya değinmenin yararlı olacağını düşündüm.

Yeni yetişen nesil çok acıdır ki toplumsal kural ve kaideleri yeterince içine sindirememiş olarak büyüyor. Eskiden “ayıp” vardı sevgili okurlar. ve bence “ayıp” iyi bir şeydi. Çünkü bizim hal, hareket, davranış ve tavırlarınızı“öteki”ne göre ayarlamamızı sağlayan, bizi birbirimize karşı “saygılı”davranmaya yönelten bir süreçti.

Şimdilerde pek kalmadı. Eskilerin deyimiyle “ayıp”lar ortadan kalkınca, yine eskilerin deyimiyle “adap-ı muaşeret” diye bilinen ve hepimizin “görgü kuralları” diye adlandırdığımız, ortak yaşam kuralları da sanki yok olup gitmeye başladı hayatımızdan.

…şimdi bir “dobra dobra”lıktır almış başına gidiyor. Eskiden olduğu gibi nazik davranmayı unuttuk ve artık kimse “lafını çekmiyor(!)”… herkesin aklındaki ağzında…

Oysa ki… oysa ki beynimizde bazı süzgeçler vardır. İnsanın aklına geleni ağzından çıkarmaması gerektiğini bilerek büyümesi gerekir. Atasözlerimiz unutuldu, yaşam zorlaşmaya başladı gibi geliyor bana. Özümüze dönersek, kendi toplumsal bilinçaltımıza doğru gidersek, orada sosyal yaşamı kolaylaştıran, birinin diğerini zorlamadığı, yıpratmadığı keyifli bilgilerle karşılaşabiliriz.

Hatırlar mısınız bilmem… köşesinde oturan pamuk gibi yaşlı anneanneler olurdu. Çocuklar veya etraftaki gençler birbirlerini incitici sözler söylediğinde “Boğaz kırk boğumdur oğlum… hiii… ayıp… öyle her aklına gelen söylenmez yavrucum… bak üzdün ablanı…” diyerek tatlı tatlı engel olurlardı yeni yetişen nesillere. Ve onlara “bir sözü söylemeden önce, iki kez düşün” sistemini yerleştirirlerdi.

Eskiden, çok eskiden, bilim adamı veya insanlara tıbbı olarak yardımcı olmaya çalışan hocaların sinir hastası veya ruhsal olarak hasta olan kişileri nasıl ayırt ettiklerini okumuştum birkaç yıl önce bilimsel bir makalede. Size de söyleyeyim…

O dönemde öğrencilerine hasta insanı tanımlarken hocaları derlermiş ki: “Bak… şu insan hasta…(hatta o dönemin tabiriyle ‘deli’ diye tabir ederlermiş)

Öğrenciler merakla sorarlarmış: “Hocam! Nerden anladınız?”

Cevap kısa ve net: Baksanıza! Aklına geleni anında söylüyor. Beynindeki süzgeci kullanmıyor. Aklına geleni, hiçbir süzgeçten geçirmiyor, doğrudan karşısındakinin yüzüne her sözü söyleyebiliyor.”

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